Yes, it’s that time of year again – when the question of what to buy kids for the holiday season comes to the fore.
Over the years, parents wandering the aisles of retail stores and browsing the pages of e-commerce sites have come across toys that would cause varying degrees of horror and confusion in poor tykes expecting something to happen. ‘a little more conventional.
For your viewing pleasure, and as a warning on what to avoid for the holidays, here is Benzinga’s naughty but likable list of the 10 weirdest toys of all time.
Golden Girls Action Figures. No one will thank the creator of this collection for being a friend – that of Bea Arthur Dorothy looks like Harvey Fierstein in kimono, Estelle Getty Looks like Sophia just got hit by a bus, McClanahan’s Street Blanche does not have an average torso and it has to be assumed that the fourth doll is Betty white Rose, though the facial inspiration clearly wasn’t from the legendary sitcom star. Someone pass the cheesecake, please.
Handi squirrel finger hand puppet. This product of Aqkilo consists of five finger puppets – one head and four legs – believed to resemble a squirrel. Except it looks like the poor squirrel has been dismembered and its head and limbs are floating around each other.
Little shit. There is a surprisingly large volume of toys with feces on it, but this shit doll is arguably one of the least attractive in this smelly segment. The Etsy (NASDAQ: ETSY) The creator of the product claims that each item in this line is individually hand-carved – much like snowflakes, no two droppings are the same.
Mega plumber action figure. Sure, Superman can fend off alien attacks and Batman can outwit Mad Criminals, but can either unclog a saved drain. American standard, the company that manufactures toilets, offered children a very different superhero: Mega Plumber! This action figure comes with its own key and toilet, ensuring kids have hours of fun imagining how to save the day in the bathroom. (Obviously, Lil Shitz will be unhappy to show wit with this toy!)
Mutant rabbit. You won’t say, “What’s up, Doc?” With this product, although you might say “WTF? With this bunny who has three ears and four arms. Obviously, Mutant Bunny has the warped bunny market all to himself.
My first bacon. This 19 inch tall plush doll says “I’m bacon!” When he’s in a hurry. Why a child would want to squeeze a 19-inch-tall talking bacon has yet to be explained.
Company stone. One of the most notorious fashions of the 1970s was this offer created by an advertiser Gary Dahl, who collected stones on the beach of Rosarito in Mexico. Dahl sold these items in custom cardboard boxes (with breathing holes) that included straw beds for the most unlikely pets. Retailing at $ 4 a box, Dahl made over $ 1 million before fashion lost its appeal and pet stones were thrown out the window.
Sense of the Just Alliance. This notorious Chinese knockoff features a sextet of pop culture heroes united in a hitherto unknown league of benefactors. Heroes (or their unreasonable facsimiles) include Batman, Superman, Spider-Man, one of the Power Rangers, Shrek and Lightning McQueen from “Cars”. Obviously, this is the perfect gift for kids with minimal knowledge of IP infringement.
Stretch Armstrong. Originally introduced in 1976, the purpose of this latex doll was to have the arms and legs stretched as far as children could pull. While adequate as a test of juvenile strength, it has also been found to test the patience of parents whose children left Stretch Armstrong in a hot car – as the doll was known to melt into a sticky, difficult-to-clean material. (A 2019 reissue of the toy is designed to avoid that melt-in-the-mouth mess.)
20th Century War Criminals: Adolf Hitler. GI Joe’s greatest nemesis has his own action figure – a 12-inch tall Führer who humorlessly watches the poor kids who somehow end up with him. The manufacturer also produced Heinrich himmler and Hermann Göring dolls to accompany the Hitler doll in his quest to conquer the world.
Photos courtesy of Amazon and Etsy.
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